Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.