whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“No way.” -Jose
I just love that new Pope smell.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.