ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”