son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.