The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Was it something I said?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”