Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
You Might Also Like
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.