Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Sticker placement is key.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg