cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.