50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.