“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.