[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*