If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
HOW DARE YOU
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.