[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
HERE’S MARKY
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
termite twitter scares me
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]