You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
o shit
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.