Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“what that mouth do?” complain
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.