I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I never needed anything more in my life
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.