True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.