Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My time has come.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going