The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.