ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
This is hilarious….
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My Plans 2020
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
monday