Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*