Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
You Might Also Like
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Sing it!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
LOOOOOOL
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ