There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Optional boss fight.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move