Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant