*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*