guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
idk what this dog had been going through but same
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”