*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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This was the best day of my life
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.