God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You Might Also Like
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.