when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically