My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
We like the way Dwight thinks
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am