Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
You Might Also Like
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery