I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.