My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
He’s dead
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now