U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Storm Tropical Storm
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.