I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.