I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.