[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
You Might Also Like
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.