If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.