My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.