That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!