the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)