That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
i baked you a cake
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.