The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
sistine chapel
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”