Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
#dnd #ttrpg
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.