If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
You Might Also Like
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!