Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
You Might Also Like
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.