Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
need him
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”