*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Ain’t no way
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit