I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Before & after 😅
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I am yelling
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
spicy snake
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.