Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*